


Older

by Swoon21



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: AU, Age Difference, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 06:31:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13207980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swoon21/pseuds/Swoon21
Summary: Kato, an acclaimed novelist and playwright, finds himself in a passionate affair with a young pop star Tegoshi Yuya. While they try to keep it simple, he knows all too well that there's no such thing as "just sex".





	Older

 

[ ](https://imgur.com/xFqURfZ)

 

 

Kato looked up from the book as he heard the back door clicking open and closed. He slowly closed the book, put it on the coffee table next to him and stood up to greet his guest.

“I parked two blocks away like you told me,” said the young man with blond hair taking off his jacket.

“Good,” Kato replied. He was now leaning on the kitchen counter casually, stroking his small beard.

“Why don’t you just get an apartment?”

“I like it here. It’s quiet, I can work in peace and I like my garden.”

“Sometimes I think you’re 60, not 40,” the blond man teased.

“Then your daddy issues are more serious than I thought,” Kato replied without skipping a beat.

The man couldn’t quite come up with an equally smart reply so in retaliation he approached the man, and kissed him. The kiss was intense, lips clashing with fervor. Kato’s hands held the blond’s face firmly while the younger man’s hands were raking through his thick black hair.

Kato shifted slightly, grabbing the blond’s hips and lifting him to sit on the counter. The young man’s legs immediately enveloped him in a tight grip, arms wrapping around his neck.

“God, I hate you,” he said between kisses, “You and your… glasses and your white shirts and old-fashioned vests and… grandpa sweaters.” His fingers struggled trying to rip off some of the said garments.

Kato didn’t answer prying off the man’s fingers to unbutton his shirt although way too slowly for the younger man’s liking. It was slightly unnerving how he always seemed perfectly focused and agile. He made quick work of the man’s belt stroking him through the fabric as he sucked on his neck. The blond whined.

 

 

 

 

“Oh, fuck. I needed this,” the blond said breathing heavily still propping himself against the counter.

Kato took a matchbox from the shelf and lit a cigarette before sitting back into his armchair.

“I wanted to drop by since last week but I’m so busy with the recording.”

“Don’t you have some nice gent to keep you company?” Kato said. It was hard to tell whether he was joking.

“Oh, you know those twinks got nothing on you,”the blond retorted with a grin pulling up his pants. “How do you like my new song? You did hear it, didn’t you? I sent it last-”

“Of course I did, just…”

“You hate it?”

“No, I don’t hate it. It’s not bad, just overproduced, I think.”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to sugarcoat it. If I wanted flattery, I’d ask one of my mindless managers,” Tegoshi said dropping unceremoniously into the man's lap.

“I like the melody, I just think it would sound better with a more raw sound. I think you have talent and honestly you could do better than this.”

“Could I?” Tegoshi smiled but it was clear he was pleased.

“So how’s it going? With the recording?” Kato asked before inhaling the smoke.

“Good. I’m almost done. So I should have a few days off. I can stick around for a bit,” the blond said. “If you don’t mind, that is,” he added.

“Of course not,” Kato replied firmly.

 

 

 

 

It’s been nearly a year since they first met. Kato could remember it as if it was yesterday. It was a charity event with many celebrities attending. Somehow they ended up at the same table and after a while other people went to get more drinks so they found themselves alone. It was then that the blond first spoke to him.

_“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kato-sensei. Now this fundraiser isn't a complete waste of time. Apart from the wine," Tegoshi said with a smile holding up his glass._

_“You too, Tegoshi-san. Please, don’t use “sensei”, it feels odd.”_

_“But it’s only right,” Tegoshi said without breaking eye contact. “I love your new book.”_

_“Thank you. I didn’t think you…”_

_“Read books?” Tegoshi offered with a smile._

_“No, I... I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.”_

_“It’s fine. That’s how people see me. That’s the image that sells,” he said tracing the rim of his wine glass with the ring finger._

_“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. We all play our parts.”_

_“Of course. But I really do like your works. I think what you do is very brave. I could never… ah, never mind,” Tegoshi smiled looking away. “I’m just saying in our country so few artists speak up about the important things.”_

_“Thank you. I don't intend to provoke. I just answer the questions earnestly and my views happen to be different from most people.”_

_“Well, in my case, nobody even asks me about art or politics, half of my interviews are what I want my date to wear to a party.”_

_Kato laughed a little._

_“And what do you want them to wear?” he asked taking a sip from his glass._

_“Something like this would be nice,” the younger man replied with a smile nodding to Kato’s outfit._

_“Are you…” Kato started clearing his throat “Don’t you think it’s rather crowded here? Perhaps you would like to continue this conversation at my place? I have some good wine in my collection.”_

_“I’d love to,” the blond replied._

_They never did continue the conversation, however. The door barely closed behind them when their bodies collided with the force of a tornado knocking down everything in its path as they moved towards the bedroom._

_Tegoshi felt like he might break from the way the man pounded into him but it was the best sex he's ever had. He lost count of the times he came that night but at some point when they could barely move he found himself in the man’s arms, strong hands stroking his hair gently. He knew then that it was not the end, but only the beginning._

 

A sound of notification on his laptop brought Kato out of his daydreaming. He brought it to bed hoping to quickly finish a few things but somehow he lost the track of time.

“Are you done yet?” Tegoshi asked in a sleepy voice.

“I need to work. I have a deadline at my back.”

The blond let out a soft groan and turned to lie on his side facing away from him.

Tegoshi was asleep by the time Kato finished. Lying on his stomach, hand next to his head, he looked so vulnerable. Pulling the blanket over the man’s shoulders, Kato turned the lamp off and started the familiar battle of trying to silence his restless thoughts.

 

 

 

 

Kato woke up early like he always did. He didn’t get much sleep but it was nothing new. Quietly, not to disturb the sleeping man next to him, he slipped to the bathroom before going outside to tend to his garden.

Time slowed down as he watered the plants and took out the weeds. He liked feeling the soil in his hands, it made him feel more alive, connected to something real and tangible.

 

 

 

 

“Is that mine?” Kato asked as he entered the kitchen only to find the blond propped against the counter wearing nothing but a dress white shirt.

“Yeah. I always wanted to try the girlfriend outfit,” the blond smiled at him.“Oh, by the way, the coffee is great.” He took a sip while holding the mug with both hands.

Kato did not say anything, he just kept watching the man with an unreadable expression.

“You’re not mad, are you?” Tegoshi asked putting the mug on the counter and getting close to him.

“No.”

“Good.”

Tegoshi stepped even closer watching Kato with a fascination of a kid who got a new toy. His hands were dirty and there was dried mud on his cheek. Tegoshi leaned in and planted a firm kiss on his lips. Kato raised his hand instinctively but then released it remembering it was still dirty.

“I’ll take a quick shower and then make breakfast. Ok?” he said without meeting the man's eyes.

Without waiting for an answer, he quickly went towards the bathroom leaving the man standing in the middle of the room, a small smile on his face.

 

 

 

 

“That was the most boring afterparty ever. Thanks for rescuing me,” Tegoshi said getting into the passenger’s seat. The midnight streets were empty as Kato slowly drove along the myriad of neon signs.

“What are you doing?” Kato said as he felt a hand slipping into his lap.

“Showing you my gratitude. It’s only just,” the blond replied.

“Stop it, do you want me to crash the car?”

“It’s fine, there’s nobody on the road. And it’s dark,” Tegoshi said in a much lower voice. His hand managed to undo the zipper and wriggle its way inside, stroking softly.

“Yuya, I’m serious,” Kato said sternly but the effect was somewhat distorted by the coarseness of his voice. He tried to pry the hand away as he stopped at a traffic light but just then he heard honking from behind and had to keep driving.

Tegoshi admired the shadowplay on the older man’s face as his right hand continued to stroke him slowly. Finally, the car drove into an empty parking lot going towards the far corner. As soon as the car stopped, Tegoshi freed himself from the safety belt leaning down to free Kato’s constrained member and envelop him in the wet heat of his mouth. The man groaned leaning back in his seat as his hand went to the blond’s hair. There was no need to pull, however, as Tegoshi took him in deep proceeding to move his head up and down in a steady rhythm. It barely took a minute before Kato was coming hard gripping the blond’s hair tighter. Tegoshi didn’t seem to mind waiting for him to finish before leaning back into his seat.

“You are crazy,” Kato said trying to catch his breath.

“I might be,” Tegoshi answered with a smirk wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

 

 

 

 

"Have you ever kissed a woman?" Tegoshi asked. Kato looked at the blond for a few moments before turning back to the full moon illuminating the room. They sat comfortably on the floor with their legs stretched in from of them, sipping beer from the bottles and looking at the night sky outside the large bedroom window.

"Once. Actually, she was the one that kissed me."

"How was it?

"It was nice."

Tegoshi raised his eyebrows in genuine surprise.

"She was nice. I liked her but I couldn't give her what she wanted."

The younger man nodded before taking a long swig from his bottle.

"You?"

"I had my first kiss on screen so... yes." Tegoshi smiled bitterly. "It was very confusing. All my friends told me they were jealous but I felt so wronged. I started acting as a kid and by the time I realized I was gay, it was kind of too late." For a moment he was quiet but then he shook his head.

"Why am I even talking about this? Who fucking cares? There are better things to do."

With this, Tegoshi smirked straddling Kato in one fluid movement and capturing his lips in a kiss.

"So much better," he added as they tried to regain their breath.

"We don't have to do it every time, you know?" Kato said.

"Perhaps, but is there anything better than this?" Tegoshi answered in a much lower voice, his argument accentuated by the way he rolled his hips.

 

 

 

 

“The usual, sir?” the waiter asked with a smile.

“Yes. Thank you.”

As he left, Kato leaned on the table looking at the street through the café’s glass wall. He didn’t go out much but sometimes when he had a writer’s block he came here, to this small coffeeshop, to get insight. Kato looked at the people passing by – mothers with small children, office workers, schoolgirls, elderly couples, all with their own lives and agendas.He didn’t know why but just sitting there, observing without thinking much, helped to jumpstart his creative flow. Most of the time ideas lit his mind and words just started pouring out of him.

Taking a sip from his black coffee, he looked at his open notebook, white paper unmarked. Today just wasn’t one of those days, it seemed.

 

 

 

 

“I need to finish on some work. You make yourself at home,” Kato said fixing his eyes on his laptop. It was barely a minute later that he felt hands sneaking around him.

“I told you I need to finish something,” Kato said in a lower voice that was supposed to sound threatening but had a different effect entirely.

Tegoshi pouted but turned to look at the familiar room. The walls were lined up with shelves full of books: some solid leather-bound covers with golden letters etched into them, some in English and German. There was an old record player in the corner. Kato insisted the sound was undeniably superior to modern stereo systems but Tegoshi couldn’t for the life of him tell the difference. There were Ukiyo-e pictures that must have cost a fortune hanging on the wall, statuettes made of wood and stone and a small bonsai tree. It was all so eclectic and yet so very like the man who collected it. No matter how many times Tegoshi looked, he always found it fascinating.

“Hey, I don’t remember seeing this guitar. Is it new?” Tegoshi asked spotting the instrument in the corner.

“No, it’s really old, actually. I usually keep it in the closet,” Kato said without looking up.

“So you play?”

“I used to play in a band back in college.”

“Really? That’s cool. I want to hear it. Play for me?” Tegoshi said stroking the wood gently.

"Maybe some other time," Kato replied flatly.

"Of course. Sorry."

Tegoshi sighed turning back to the bookcase. He stepped closer tracing the titles with his fingers when he saw something that caught his attention. Pushed between novels, there was an album with the words "Aoyama graduation yearbook 2000".

“Oh, my, is that you? You look so cute!” Tegoshi exclaimed looking at a photo of a much younger Kato smiling embarrassingly before shifting his gaze to a man who had an arm around him. “And who’s that? Is he-“

The man didn’t get to finish as the album was snatched from his hands.

“Don’t rummage in my things,” Kato said putting the album on a high shelf out of the man’s reach as if he was a pesky child. His voice was dry and unfamiliar. For a moment, Tegoshi was speechless.

“I’m sorry,” he said finally, his voice suggesting othervise, “I guess I should have known that when you said ‘make yourself at home’ you meant you didn’t want me anywhere outside the bedroom.” With that, he grabbed his jacket and rushed out.

Kato opened his mouth but the words died on his tongue as he heard the front door slam. Slowly he went back to his desk. He sat straight looking at the screen but not typing. After about ten minutes, he took off his glasses rubbing his nose bridge. He put them neatly into the case, shut his laptop closed and lit up a cigarette.

 

 

Tegoshi was back after midnight. He smelled faintly of alcohol but Kato didn’t have much time to evaluate as his breath was stolen the second he opened the door.

The bedroom seemed miles away. They barely made a few steps away from the door only to collapse against the nearest wall as if pulled together by an invisible magnet. Tegoshi keened as his wrists were imprisoned and his neck was feasted on. Breaking free from the sweet torture, he tried to unbutton Kato’s shirt but his fingers only tugged impatiently. Kato caught them, freeing the buttons in one fluid movement.

Tegoshi pulled his own T-shirt over his head tossing it aside meeting the man’s dark eyes. They reconnected in another hot wet kiss, hands busy running all over each other’s skin. Kato’s were more focused though, working through buckles and zippers with ease. Tegoshi felt his pants being tugged down and past his feet and licked his lips in anticipation.

“Yesss…” he hissed in pleasure.

The initial burn of muscle lasted only a moment, instantly replaced by a satisfying fullness. His back was propped against the cold wall but heat was quickly spreading through his whole body. This wasn’t the most comfortable position but right now he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Oh, God. Give it to me. I want to feel you for a week,” Tegoshi said in a raspy voice.

The man obliged, holding his hips firmly as he pushed into him with a steady pace quickly building up a merciless rhythm. It felt like an earthquake and Tegoshi gave in to it. All he could do was clutch at the man’s shoulders and ride the shockwaves.

Finally, in one moment, he felt like he shattered into a hundred pieces and put together again.

 

 

“He was my lover,” Kato said suddenly as they lay in bed later that night, his eyes distant. “My first man. We were in love like only college students can.”

Tegoshi bit his lip.

“But soon enough it became clear we weren’t seeing things the same way. I wanted to be out, I felt liberated, inspired. I wanted everyone to know about my love, wanted everyone to accept it. He… thought it was naïve. That nobody would understand and it would only make things harder on me. I was broken-hearted.” He smiled at the memory but it was a sad smile. “I felt betrayed.” He got quiet and Tegoshi thought that was the last of it but he spoke again.

“He got married a few years later. Became a successful businessman.”

Tegoshi wasn’t sure what he should say. It felt like the whole thing wasn’t even meant for him.

“Well, enough about that, go to sleep.”

 

As Tegoshi felt his eyelids getting heavy and slipping into a deep slumber, he could hear deft fingers violently hitting the keys.

 

 

 

 

Tegoshi shuddered as coarse hair grazed his shoulder and gentle fingers descended down his vertebra. He loved Kato’s hands. His fingertips were rough but his palms were always soft. They felt so good running over his skin and they always knew where to touch to drive him mad.

Tegoshi’s been with younger men and they tended to be greedy and impatient but not Kato, never him. He did everything with a sort of casual grace. His every movement felt like it was perfectly timed, as if following some secret dance routine. His sexuality was monochrome, a mystery to be solved. Tegoshi’s past relationships were often a struggle for dominance but with Kato, it felt like suddenly there was nothing to prove. Suddenly, it was so easy to give up all of his control and let the man do his magic, whether it was passionate midnight sex that left him sated and sore or slow afternoon sex that left him with a different sort of aching entirely.

Kato moved behind him, one hand on his hip holding firmly, driving him insane with slow precise thrusts. It felt like time was nothing but an illusion, a universal conspiracy to put regiment on his pleasure.

 

“Don’t you regret wasting your day off with an old man like me?” Kato asked stroking the blond hair of the man lying on his chest.

Tegoshi looked at the window where rain was beating violently against the glass.

“Not at all.”

 

 

 

 

“You should join me.”

“So generous of you to offer me my bathtub,“ Kato said with a rare teasing in his voice. “But I don’t think that’s a good idea. Plus the tub is too small. It’s just right for you.”

“Come on…” Tegoshi whined.

“You’re like a spoiled rich kid. I bet your parents spoiled you rotten.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Mr. Freud. My parents were very strict,” the man said. “Maybe that’s why I want to be spoiled now.”

Kato just shook his head about to leave but Tegoshi grabbed his sleeve pulling him down. As Kato kneeled next to the bathtub, Tegoshi leaned closer and kissed him, his neck arching gracefully.

“So spoiled,” Kato said in near-whisper. His hand rested on the blond’s kneecap elevated above the surface before slipping down his thigh submerging in the soapy water.

 

 

“Wanna go see a game?” Tegoshi asked watching Kato from the bed. He way lying on his stomach, head propped with one arm. The sheets covered his lower half revealing the elegant curve of his spine and the rise of his ass. It was a landscape Kato’s hands and mouth loved to travel.

“You know I don’t like soccer. Besides, it would be weird if we’re seen together,” Kato said exhaling the smoke into an open window. Tegoshi’s eyes were glued to his bare torso bathed in the bright daylight.

“Nevermind. I don’t even know why I asked,” he said his eyes following the smoke elegantly trailing up against the windowsill.

“My play starts next month. If you want, I’ll give you the lounge seats for the premiere.”

Tegoshi’s eyes darted up to the man’s face again but it was still as always.

“Of course I want to,” he said. “Now come here.”

Kato glanced at him arching an eyebrow. He took one last drag from his cigarette before putting it out in the ashtray sitting on the windowsill. Tegoshi briefly wondered if the man ever hurried in his life. Finally, Kato took a few steps towards the bed.

As soon as he was within reach, Tegoshi kneeled on the bed, his fingers hooking in the belt loops, pulling the man towards him. Kato cupped his face in his hand gently. The man smirked.

 

 

Kato liked to take things slow, all kissing and touching and driving Tegoshi mad with want. So he liked to test the man’s patience, break his cool interior until he, too, was overtaken with the same urgency. There was nothing that excited him more that riling the man up like a spring until all of his withheld passion came crashing down on him.

 

Tegoshi laughed silently, his body still tingling as he lay on his back coming down from another high. He turned his head to the right. Kato still had his eyes closed, hair messy and skin glistening from sweat. Tegoshi was mesmerized watching his chest rise and fall as his breathing was coming back to normal. His blissful reverie was interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing.

Kato put his feet on the floor before answering the call.

“Yes? When? I see. Ok, if I must. I’ll call when I get there.” He put the phone down with a sigh. “Sorry. They want me to come for another editing session.”

Tegoshi wasn’t doing anything to hide his disappointment. His arms sneaked their way around Kato’s torso locking him in a warm embrace while soft lips pressed against his shoulder.

“I really need to go,” Kato said inching away and Tegoshi let go reluctantly.

“You said you’d have the day off.”

“Don’t be childish. I can’t just skip work whenever I feel like it. They are doing this for my sake”, Kato said buttoning up his shirt.

Tegoshi grimaced as he started to fish for his clothes scattered on the floor.

 

 

 

 

Kato got startled as his phone buzzed signaling an incoming message.

_“What’s up? )”_

It's been some time since he last saw the younger man, what with his book's editing in its finals stages.

“I’m in a meeting.” Kato typed back quickly.

“I’m wrapping up a photoshoot, bored to death and horny.” The message was accompanied with a winking emoji.

Kato shook his head but his lips stretched in a faint smile. He looked up from his phone to see editors and publisher reps discussing the last chapter of his upcoming book.

“I should be home in an hour,” he texted back trying to focus on the matter at hand but found it hard to stop his thoughts from wandering.

 

 

 

 

“Be careful with that”, Kato said without looking up from the screen.

Tegoshi rolled his eyes at the warning trying to shake off a feeling of déjà-vu. He turned back to the shelf where a delicate blue glass vase rested next to wooden figurines and small bottles. His hand traced some of the objects. He always liked touching things with his hands. Just looking never seemed enough; he needed to feel their texture, examine the material, whether it was wood or paper, metal, or clay, smell it and even taste it if possible. Tegoshi never considered himself clumsy so there was no way to explain what happened in the very next moment. He felt as if time slowed down as the blue glass vase slipped from the shelf and fell down shattering as it hit the floor.

“I just told you to be careful!” Kato was already standing. Tegoshi wished he didn't have to see the look of annoyance and disappointment on his face.

“I’m sorry! I don't know how it-”

“Do you have no regard for other people’s things?”

“I said I was sorry!” Tegoshi shouted.“ How could I forget you value things over people, mister “I have a telescope and a record collection”?

“Maybe I do. After all, people come and go, people lie and betray while things just serve their purpose and are always there when you need them,” Kato said facing the window.

Tegoshi felt his vision blur and all power leave his body as he sank to his knees. Right in front of him there was the broken vase, pieces of blue glass shining in the sun. Without thinking, his hand stretched forward taking a single shard. In a moment, his fingers were stained with scarlet.

“What are you doing? Leave it.” A strong hand grabbed his wrist, making him drop the shard. He was being dragged away from the vase and onto the sofa. Kato disappeared into the bathroom only to return a moment later with a cotton pad and a small bottle. He kneeled in front of Tegoshi, wiping blood from his fingers and pressing the pad against the cut.

“Hold it until it stops bleeding. I… I’ll make some tea,” Kato said getting up without meeting the man’s eyes.

 

 

 

 

It was later in the day when Tegoshi was flipping the channels with disinterest that he suddenly jumped up pointing at the screen.

“Oh look! There’s an interview with you!”

“You don’t need to watch it here,” Kato said calmly stirring the pot on the stove. "Dinner's almost ready," he added.

“Are you actually embarrassed?” Tegoshi wouldn't give up.

“What? No. I just don’t see the point, that’s all.”

It was rare to see the man express any sign of discomfort so Tegoshi turned up the volume, just to be a brat. The man on screen looked composed and stoic as ever, wearing a semi-casual grey suit and black-rimmed glasses that complimented his handsome face.

_\- Your books deal with many serious topics such as fighting cancer, suicide and depression._

“Damn, you look hot!” Tegoshi commented. “I bet that chick has a crush on you.”

The female interviewer seemed a little too solemn as she asked the next question.

_\- However, one of the most important issues is of course homosexuality and coming to terms with it. I'm sure a lot of people see you as the voice of LGBT community Would you tell us a little about it?_

_\- I never wanted to be a spokesperson. I just didn’t want to live a lie. But soon enough I realized that there are things I can do, that I can make people understand certain things through my work. I had a lot of letters coming from young confused men and women saying my books changed their lives and I decided that if it helps even one person, I have to do it._

_\- Do you think there aren’t enough openly gay celebrities?_

_\- I feel like I have no right to judge other people but it certainly would help. People need to see more of us, know that we’re real human beings, not just quirky stock characters._

_\- I see. Now let’s talk about your new play…_

Tegoshi turned the TV off. He sat still until Kato told him the food was ready. The dinner was oddly quiet. 

"Is there something wrong with the food? You barely ate anything."

"No, not at all. It's very good. I just... Do you think I’m a coward for not doing it?" Tegoshi asked suddenly without meeting Kato’s eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Kato asked but after a few seconds, his face lit in realization. He slowly took off his glasses and rubbed his nose bridge before answering.

“Of course not. It’s not something you should pressure others about. You should come out when you feel you’re ready. It’s a deeply personal decision. It went well for me but that doesn’t mean the same goes for everyone. My audience is mostly queer men and liberal crowd. Yours is young girls, your prince-like image is your selling point.”

Tegoshi nodded but remained quiet for the rest of the night.

 

 

 

 

“Took you long enough,” Kato said opening the door for a tall dark-haired man about his age.

“It’s not my fault you live in the middle of nowhere,” the man replied begrudgingly but a moment later, his frown faded as he enveloped Kato in a brief but strong hug.

“You don’t look so good. Are you sleeping at all?” 

“I’m fine, Hiroshi.”

“If you say so. Here. The best sake you’ll ever taste,” the man said retrieving a small clay bottle with intricate writing out of his bag and handing it to Kato.

 

In a few minutes the men were sitting on the floor by a low table, drinking, and catching up with each other's lives.

"What did I say about the sake? It's superb."

"It's good," Kato responded holding a small cup to his lips.

"Can’t wait to see the new play. There's so much buzz surrounding it in the media. I bet you don't even know about it."

"I try not to read what the critics say. It only distracts me."

"How typical of you", said Hiroshi carefully refilling their cups. “You haven’t really changed since college. Just as stoic and stubborn.” 

"Neither did you," Kato retorted.

"Guilty as charged. Speaking of which... Me and Ken are back together. I know I said ‘never again’ I just…” The man paused, expecting disapproval but it never came. “I don’t know if it’s love, habit or just fear of loneliness,” he said pulling his hair back. “I mean, we’re not getting any younger…”

Kato didn't say anything. It wasn't in his habit to comment on other people's personal lives but they both have refilled their cups at least a dozen times by now and he knew that's the direction any talk goes at this stage.

“So, you’re still seeing that boy?”

“He’s not a boy. And... it's complicated.”

“Isn't it always?" the man smiled at him. "Hey, I’m not in any position to judge here but… You, know… If the media finds out you’re gonna be the new Oscar Wilde.”

“That was over a hundred years ago.” Kato exhaled a thick cloud of smoke.

“You know what I mean. They won’t send you to jail but you’ll be the man who corrupted the pure prince.”

Kato shook his head.

“If anything, he’s the one that should be worried. If my career would be damaged, his would be destroyed.”

“Well, you’ve always been the most mature of us. I trust you know what you’re doing.” Hiroshi said. “I just worry about you, you know,” he added.

Kato nodded moving aside the overflowing ashtray. The sky behind the window was getting lighter.

 

 

 

 

Kato was always tense on the first night, right until the very end of the play but tonight anyone could tell it was a spectacular success. As soon as the curtain fell, The Globe was filled with the sound of applause. As the actors bowed down one final time, he was ushered onto the stage to share the glory of the moment.

Now, sitting in the dressing room with his eyes closed, he could reel in the well-earned but short-lived satisfaction before he immersed himself in his next work. It was then that he heard the door open and close.

“I had to wait for, like, half an hour for the media to disperse,” Tegoshi said as he went up to Kato and sat on the dressing table his hands motioning frantically. 

“Damn, it was so good. Seriously, the scene where the guy wants to end his life but decides to live on despite everything was so powerful I got goosebumps.”

“Thank you. I’m happy to hear that but… you shouldn’t really be here.”

“You said I could come.” There was unmasked hurt in the man’s eyes.

“Of course, that’s why I got you great tickets in the VIP zone," Kato said calmly. "But you didn’t have to come here. We could talk later.”

“I get it,” Tegoshi said standing up. “I’ll just leave you to enjoy your success.”

 

 

Kato caught up with the man in the parking lot. The rain and wind enveloped him in a cold embrace.

“Yuya, wait!” He pressed a hand to his forehead to shield his face following Tegoshi to his car.

“Why? I have no place in here! ” The rain seemed to intensify as if to add dramatic background to the scene.

“It’s not like that…”

“I’m sick of this! I’m sick of this constant secrecy, sick of you treating me like a child!” the young man shouted.

“I’m just doing what’s best for you.”

“Don’t! Why do you think you always know what’s best for me? Shouldn’t I decide it?”

“Yuya, please. Let’s not start a fight over nothing.” Kato struggled to keep his eyes open with the pouring rain and the bright lights.

“Nothing? It’s nothing to you? I hate it how fucking calm you always are! Always keeping me at a distance while I’m all agitated like an idiot and you’re just standing here looking at me like I’m some dumb teenager!” The man's small hands were clenched tightly.

“I never thought that. I care about you.”

“You only care about your reputation. I’m just someone you fuck.”

“Yuya…”

“Goodbye, sensei,” Tegoshi said all too dramatically before getting into his car and shutting the door. Kato kept standing there until the car disappeared from view, then went back inside.

 

 

 

 

Kato rubbed his eyes as he stopped his car in front of a questionable-looking establishment, the pink neon sign too bright for his liking. He wasn't really sure why he was there in the first place but the message he got from a friend left him wide awake anyway.

Entering the small bar, Kato immediately made his way towards the dimly lit back room. There, a company of young men sat at a round table with dozens of empty and half-empty bottles.

“Oh, isn’t it Kato-sensei?” Tegoshi drawled. “What a coincidence to see you here.”

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Can’t you see? Having fun with the boys.” Tegoshi pointedly smiled at a thin young man sitting next to him. “You wouldn’t believe the kind of things going on in the bathrooms around here.”

“Just how much did you drink?” Kato asked ignoring the insinuations. 

The man did not bother to give him as answer, simply shrugging.

“We’re leaving.” Kato had a hard time keeping his composure.

“No, I’m not going anywhere.”

Kato wasn’t open to discussion, however, pulling the man up and hastily dragging him out of the bar despite his protests.

“Let me go!” the blond finally freed himself as they approached the car. “Just because you’re fucking me doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do.” His face was red from anger and alcohol.

“Stop this!” Kato shouted effectively pinning the smaller man against his car. “You wanted me to come and you know it.” 

Tegoshi froze breathing hard.

“Now get in the car.”

 

 

The ride was silent. Tegoshi looked out the window, every now and then stealing glances at the man behind the wheel but Kato didn’t take his eyes off the road.

 

 

Tegoshi jumped as the front door slammed behind him.

“You need to calm down,” he said but regretted it as soon as the man turned to face him. 

“I’ll calm down when you grow up and stop sabotaging your career. What the hell’s gotten into you?” 

"There isn't much to sabotage by now. Might as well live a little." 

"What?" 

“Haven’t you heard? Apparently, I’m fucking the pretty announcer,” Tegoshi said dropping himself onto the sofa. “Was it NTV? I don’t even remember her name. I bet my own company did it to counterstrike any allegations about my gayness. It’s all a fucking joke.” 

Kato's face got even more rigid. Tegoshi has never seen him like this and wished he never would.

“You keep rebelling, complaining about your agency, the way you’re treated and restricted. But have you ever stopped to think about all the people that may suffer because of your arrogance? You want me to stop treating you like a child and yet you keep acting like one! All you will achieve is trouble for yourself and people who work with you. And the worst thing is you don’t even know what you want!”

While Tegoshi tried to come up with an answer, Kato disappeared into the bedroom only to emerge half a minute later with a pillow and a blanket.

“We’ll talk in the morning when you sober up,” he said throwing them onto the sofa. “If you even have a career in the morning”, he added closing the door behind him.

 

When he got up the next morning, Tegoshi was already gone. The morning news did not bring any surprises.

 

 

 

 

Kato lost count of the times he picked up the phone, stared to dial the familiar number but cancelled before the call went through. After all, he wasn't the one to apologize when he didn't feel apologetic. When he finally did make up his mind, he was met with voicemail. They must have had at least a dozen fights like this by now but something told Kato this time it was going to be different.

He tried to busy himself with work but words just weren’t coming. He always told himself that “writer’s block” was an excuse, that he just needed to keep writing and eventually good ideas would come but all that led to was writing a new paragraph only to delete it a minute later leaving him even more frustrated.

 

 

When Kato couldn’t write he painted. It was something someone important taught him a long ago as a way to ease his mind and "get in touch with his emotions". “Just try it,” the man said and Kato’s curiosity won over his skepticism. In time, he found it oddly comforting.

He liked squeezing the paint tubes, mixing the colours on a piece of wood, applying it with thick steady strokes. He lost the track of time as his brush slid across the canvas. Finally, taking a rag to wipe his hands, he stepped back to look at his work like a seasoned fortune-teller. It was all deep greys and browns, but in the top right corner a hue of golden shone.

 

 

 

 

It was a week later, when Kato was sitting on his couch reading "Farewell to Arms" for the fifth time that his phone rang. Picking it up, he saw Hiroshi's name.

“Did you see the news?” the man's voice sounded amused. “Your boy has really done it.”

"What?"

"You really should watch TV sometimes. Talk to you later."

After looking at his phone in confusion for a few moments, Kato turned on the TV, flipping the channels until he hit what appeared to be entertainment news. The female announcer was recapping. 

“Today at 8 PM, popular actor and singer Tegoshi Yuya held a press-conference announcing he was gay. The star said he was leaving his agency but appeared to be uncertain about his further career."

The coverage switched to footage from the conference.

“I am very sorry to my fans. I felt that I could no longer lie to you and to myself. I would also like apologize to my agency for the inconvenience."

Kato turned off the TV. He took a cigarette from the pack on the coffee table, lit it and leaned back. For a few minutes, he watched the smoke swirling up and melting, then he closed his eyes.

 

 

 

 

Tegoshi looked through the endless missed calls. Most were from his management, but some from friends. He felt that he wasn't ready to deal with any of them. He was about to put the phone aside but paused at one from a very familiar number. The message read simply “Please come see me”. Below, was an unknown address.

 

 

 

 

The address led him to a new apartment complex right in the heart of Tokyo. There were security gates outside but the guard just nodded slightly letting him in. Stepping into the elevator, Tegoshi felt a mix of nervousness and hope. Approaching the door, he found it ajar. The apartment was dark except for the faint light coming from one of the rooms. Ever so slowly Tegoshi walked towards the light. As he took one final step he found himself in a wide empty room with a huge window overlooking the city. The light was from a dozen candles sitting on the floor. Tegoshi would have been confused by it all but right now the only thing that mattered was the all too familiar figure of a man who was facing the window. A moment later he was turning around and looking at him. Suddenly, he was enveloped in a tight hug. For a moment he got tense but the warmth and the familiar scent forced his traitorous body to relax in the embrace.

“What is this?” he asked quietly when the man did not let go.

“You didn’t really think you could get rid of me that easily?”

“I…wasn’t going to.”

“I saw the press-conference,” Kato said finally releasing him. There was a tight line between his eyebrows. “And I needed to talk to you.”

Tegoshi’s eyes kept darting from the candle-lit room to the man standing in front of him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kato asked softly.

“I just… I thought you’d probably try to talk me out of it and I might back out,” Tegoshi said bracing himself for the scolding but the older man only looked concerned.

“I would never hold you back if you made up your mind. I never wanted to pressure you. I think what you did today was very brave. All I wanted was to keep you from making the same mistakes I did.”

“I know. But you can’t. Because they would be my mistakes. You were right, I was being childish. That's why I needed to make this decision on my own. Even if I ended up regretting it later.”

Kato nodded looking down. 

“You know, when we began seeing each other it seemed so easy. We felt comfortable with each other and the sex was good. But soon I realized it wasn't just that. After some time I caught myself thinking how much I like waking up to the sound of your breathing." He pressed his lips for a moment and Tegoshi wanted nothing more than to kiss them but he felt the man had more to say.

"Lately we’ve been fighting so much it’s been driving me insane. I kept trying to understand why it happened and I realized a part of it is that I have been alone for so long that I almost forgot what it meant to open up to someone. I tried to keep you at a distance but you kept getting closer anyway." Kato smiled to himself shaking his head. "But it's not even that. Recently it hit me that more than anything, being with you made me feel a lot like I did before coming out and I hated it. I don’t want to hide, I don’t want to lie and feel ashamed of who I am. I’ve done that enough in my life. I felt that it couldn’t go on like this.”

“So have I," Tegoshi interrupted. "That’s why I did this today. I... we don’t have to hide anymore.”

“Listen, a lot is going to change for you tomorrow and it won't be easy. I need you to think about it. It might be better for you to take your time and think where you want to go from here. I will always be your friend but maybe it would be better if we wait and-”

“No!” Tegoshi cried taking a step forward. “I’m tired of waiting and scheming. I just want you.” There was desperation is his voice.

“I just need you to consider all the implications, that's all," Kato said holding the man's shoulders gently. "This isn't-”

“In that case I need you to consider I can be impulsive and jealous and clingy!” 

“I love you,” Kato said as if it was the most mundane and self-explanatory of statements.

Tegoshi stilled, watching him with unblinking eyes. The older man continued, stroking the blonde’s cheek with his thumb.

“And I don’t know if I’m good for you but I guess after all I’m selfish,” he chuckled humourlessly. 

“So am I,” Tegoshi retorted finally giving in to the urge and pressing his lips against the other man’s.

Kato’s kisses could be slow or fast but they were always deep and intoxicating leaving Tegoshi a little dizzy. He could feel his body coming alive.

"Is something wrong?" Kato asked feeling the blond pull away slightly.

"No, it's just... It's been such a long day."

Tegoshi expected him to make a teasing remark but Kato's expression softened.

"Do you want to go home?"

"Not really. No. I want to stay here with you." 

Kato just nodded wrapping his arms around the man's shoulders and pulling him against his chest. For a minute they just stood there in silence.

 

"So... what is this place anyway?” the younger man said finally looking around. 

“I brought it last month.” 

“There’s no furniture,” the blond noted.

“That's right. I was hoping you’d help me pick it.”

“What? Why?” Tegoshi asked trying to read the man's eyes.

“I love my house but... I felt that we needed our own space." 

"Oh," was all Tegoshi could say, still trying to absorb the new development.

"No bed here but there's a couple of futons in the closet. You can go take a shower, while I bring them."

"Sounds good to me," Tegoshi smiled.

 

 

The apartment was quiet and dark, only the city lights cast faint shadows on the walls, but right now Tegoshi felt it was perfect.

"It's odd, isn't it? We've been in bed so many times but have never been so dressed before," he noted, amusement mixed with irony.

"True," Kato agreed.

"But I guess that's ok sometimes."

Both fell silent for some time lost in their own thoughts.

 

 

"We could get away for a few weeks, just you and me. If this is too much for you."

"Where would we go?" the blond asked, his head resting against Kato’s chest.

"I don't know. Paris. New York. Anywhere you want."

"I'd love to go with you but wouldn't doing it now be just more running? I don't want them to think I'm hiding myself or...us. Plus we have an apartment to decorate." 

"Of course," Kato said. It seemed like this was going to be another sleepless night but one he did not dread.

 

 

“I’m scared,” Tegoshi said quietly.

“I know. That’s ok. We’re gonna be ok,” Kato assured stroking the younger man’s shoulder gently.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on the story for over a year while the idea came even earlier, when I wrote [ this post](http://graphicabyss.tumblr.com/post/149091552504/kato-shigeaki-the-gay-avant-garde-artist-au).  
>   
> 


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